When the body’s alarm system gets stuck on
Neuroplastic conditions; like chronic pain, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), fibromyalgia, IBS, migraines, and sensitivities; are real physical experiences that can devastate someone's life sometimes for months, and sometimes for decades. They arise when the brain and nervous system get stuck in protection mode, often following an illness or a tough time in life.
This happens when the body’s internal alarm system (the limbic system and the cell danger response) keeps signalling “not safe yet” even after the original illness, injury, or stress has passed. Many people spend years being passed around the medical system, or/and functional medicine, getting sicker, more scared, and without answers, before they find out that this is a neuroplastic condition needing a very different approach.
If you'd like to learn more about these conditions, please read our short article here, which will help you understand your loved one's experience and understand why these conditions are exploding in today's society. It is likely most of us will experience some version of a stress based illness, so learning about them is empowering for us all.
It’s not “all in their head”. And it is not a case of them being able to push through. That will in fact make them worse because their brain and body has learned and encoded into memory that it needs to be in a chronic state of protection all the time, which causes a lot of often very severe symptoms until that person can guide their system back into a state of rest and repair, which will take time, practice, true rest (without guilt or shame) and allowing health to return at its own pace.
The brain learns patterns of pain, fatigue, or sensitivity, just like it learns language or habits. It’s in the body’s memory of protection. It will take time to unlearn because the brain has a natural bias to the negative in order to help us survive. So retraining this is incredibly brave, and not a skill set any of us have ever learned before! Be proud of your loved one for choosing this road. They are a trail blazer!
The same neuroplasticity that created these loops can also unlearn them. Recovery is absolutely possible. It just takes time, trust, and an environment of support.
How Loved Ones Can Help
1. Don’t pressure them to heal faster
Recovery from neuroplastic conditions is not linear. Some days will feel better; others might not. There will be flares, tough times, bi leaps forward and steps back. This is normal. Trying to “push” or motivate them through symptoms often increases the sense of danger in the nervous system. Safety grows from being met where they are, not from being rushed. or
2. Ask how they’d like to be supported
Instead of assuming what they need or telling them what to do, ask:
“What would feel most supportive for you right now?”
Sometimes it’s space. Sometimes it’s company. Sometimes it’s laughter or quiet. Listening builds trust, and trust is medicine for a sensitized system. Be mindful of your own boundaries with this. Meet their need only as much as it does not compromise your own. This needs to be a negotiation.
If the person is an adult, support is deserved, and, they cannot extract all their needs from others. So hold yourself too. We all have a personal inner battery of time, energy and resource, which shifts depending on what we have going on. Clear negotiation of needs is safety creating for everyone. To do this, loved ones and caregivers need to be connected to their own needs, which can be an area for people to get curious about because many of us have not been taught how to tune into our own feelings and needs. In our Befriend community, we are teaching people recovering to yes ask for support, but also to understand they are the agents of change in their lives and are responsible for their own life, boundaries, and growth.
3. Believe them; and believe in them
Their symptoms are real. They’re the body’s way of protecting, not failing. When you genuinely trust their ability to recover, your calm presence becomes a steadying signal to their nervous system: “It’s safe to be here.”
4. Notice your own anxiety
Often, when we push someone to “do more” or “get better,” it’s because we feel scared or helpless. Take a breath. Notice your own feelings. It’s okay to feel worried; it means you care. But try not to let that worry spill over into pressure or control. Healing can’t be forced.
5. Remember: your patterns influence theirs
Families are ecosystems of nervous systems. When one person is stressed, everyone feels it. When one person finds calm or humour, everyone softens.
Use this time to notice how safety, rest, and expression are supported (or not) in your home. Healing invites all of us to grow in awareness and compassion.
6. Create an environment of safety and play
Neuroplastic recovery thrives on felt safety, warmth, laughter, shared meals, nature, pets, creativity, and gentle fun. These moments of lightness teach the brain and body that life can be safe, spontaneous, and connected again. It also connects your loved one to the many healthy parts of them that are not impacted by illness.
7. See it as growth, not weakness
People with neuroplastic conditions are often deeply sensitive, intuitive, and resilient. Their systems simply learned to protect too well. As they recover, they don’t just “go back”they grow forward. They learn how to listen to their bodies, how to regulate emotions, how to live in tune with themselves. That wisdom benefits everyone around them. Be aware they may be changing, learning to express themselves in new ways.
8. Do not talk about their symptoms with them
The brain associates symptom talk with the neurological pathways associated with this language, so symptoms and distress and feelings of helplessness can go up from focusing on symptoms. It can be automatic when checking in on a loved one to ask how their symptoms are. Please do your best to stop this. Ask instead about their interests, about topics outside of health, and speak to the healthy whole human they are underneath these tough symptoms. This helps everyone feel more connected and healthy.
If they are complaining about symptoms a lot, it is actually important you draw their attention to this because part of their practice is noticing that this is not helpful for them, and that connection and support can be reached for in a healthier way (sharing of time, laughter, connection about other things)
9. Take care of YOU
Having a loved one with a serious illness can be physically and emotionally taxing. Many of us feel a lot of stress from this, understandably so. And, it gives you the opportunity to consider how we tend to ourselves. Do we push through? Do we feel anxiety and get snappy with others? Do we resent how much is being asked of us? All of these are normal human responses to feeling stretched past capacity. In today's society we have not been taught to notice these as signs of inner stress needing curiosity, compassion, and tending to.
A loved one going through a hard time can invite us to consider 'How can I take care of myself better through this'. You are welcome to join Befriend too, to learn skills, ways of being, that support yourself as your support your loved one. The patterns of stress and disconnect that lead to these conditions are only increasing in today's world, so we can all use new ways to care for ourselves and one another.
10. Rest does not need to be earned
Your loved one does not need to earn their right for deep rest, and neither do you. The frenetic pace of society, the loss of sense of village to support us through tough chapters of love, loss, grief and change; has meant so many of us simply push through and do not even feel safe or ok to acknowledge the incontrovertible need we have to slow down, to feel, to rest. Many of us also grew up being taught to do more, to help, to be productive, in an environment where rest was earned, not a fundamental human right. These conditions as they heal ask us to confront some of these societal, religious, or familial norms to actually acknowledge the cost to the human body and being of living (well actually mostly existing because we are rarely present enough to really live) this way.
There can be guilt or shame in resting. Just noticing this can be a powerful indicator of our own relationship to rest and what can come up in us when we see a loved one 'doing nothing' as part of their ecovery. So I encourage you to notice, do you turn towards yourself with gentleness and allowing when you notice exhaustion or emotional overwhelm? If you are not able to do this, it is likely you will find it hard to see your loved one rest in their recovery. This is an opportunity for us all to become healthier and learn a pace of life that is allowing of our inherent dignity as humans beings, not human doings.
A Final Word
Your presence, belief, humour, and gentle curiosity are powerful medicine for any loved one's recovery. As are your own boundaries, way you treat yourself, and how you learn to support yourself as you support them. Healing is not a solo sport, and we can learn a lot from each others' tough chapters when we learn to listen to others, and listen to what emerges in us as we are with them. Thank you for being part of your loved one's journey.
